2009

click to make bigger

For my Family, it was a very good year.  

Here's to an even better 2010.  

Happy New Year Friends!

Another Life

Have you ever thought about what you would be if you weren't doing what you're doing right now?  I know that most stay at home Moms think about this.  We wonder what other life we would have had if we weren't at home wiping noses and bums, kissing hurts, doing dishes, folding laundry (or not) and all of the other jobs we have.

When I was in college I went from major to major to major (which is why I don't have a degree, but have lots of credits and lots of knowledge about a lot of things...run-on sentences not included).  I never really found anything that I felt like I would really excel at. 

I had always had an interest writing though.  I know, hard to believe huh?  When I was eight, I got my first journal.  After that I always took comfort in putting the pen to the page.  I wrote poetry and music...oh the music.  I had a piano in my room, a full size electric keyboard that felt and sounded just like a real piano.  I would sit up and write music like nobody's business...that was in Jr. High.  A tune and words would come to me and I would just do it.  I couldn't write the music down, just the words.  It was my heart and my soul right out there for anyone to hear.  I was proud of it, what's not to be proud of?  Minus my brother (who never had a kind word for me anyway) people told me I was good and I believed them.  I went to Show Choir Camp (I know you're jealous my fellow Glee loving friends) and I played my music there.  I had so much positive feedback from the instructors and other kids that I was just floating.  I was big time man.  Show Choir was a big thing in my school and I was at the top of the game.

Then we moved.  We moved from a small town in Kansas, to a small town in Utah.  Lots of differences, but the biggest one was the size of the school.  My High School in Kansas had 700 students in 4 grades.  Compare that to a High School with over 2000 students in 3 grades and I was definitely out of my element.  I continued to write music, but it was different.  The tone had changed.  There weren't school talent shows to perform for anymore, and even if there were, there were so many people that were so much more talented than I was.  I started to believe my brother who had always told me I was nothing special.  I started to feel that what I had wasn't good enough.  I didn't make the show choir because the director didn't know my family (seriously, she was a lot of a crazy person), so I did musicals.  I loved doing them, but again...there was always someone who they knew and liked better.  I became very good at playing second fiddle and didn't really believe that I was good enough anymore.

I stopped writing music completely.  A part of me died.  Or maybe it was just sleeping.  Fast forward a few years to when I was 20.  I got my second guitar and something happened.  I started writing again.  I started to feel it in my heart and my soul.  I wrote songs to express and try to make sense of everything I was feeling.  I wrote songs for my friends who had broken hearts, I wrote funny songs about the cute guys playing volleyball, I wrote about my longing to be loved.

I wrote and wrote and wrote.  Then I decided to take the plunge.  I made a CD.  I wanted to perform.  I wanted to be known.  I wanted to share my writing with others.  I wanted to make a difference in the world with what I had to say.

I made the CD, I had pictures taken, I sent out demos only to be told time and time again that I just wasn't the right material.  I would have gone to Nashville and worked as a waitress until I was able to make it to the big time, but that wasn't my path.

Instead, I moved to Kansas and met my husband.  I continued to write some and play some, but I became a wife and a Mom and now live the life I have.  And I love the life I have.  The sticky, crazy, messy, awesome life I have.

But sometimes when things are just too much, too overwhelming, I look back at that girl and imagine her in a different life and I smile.

Moving On...

I have this outfit, perfect for the holidays.  Black pants with sparkles, a red sweater with a black fur trim...it's not mine.  I bought it on August 23, 2003.  My Mother-in-law and I went to Children's Orchard that day because they were bringing out all of their winter gear.  We bought a coat and several outfits.  I just finished showing my father-in-law those outfits when my nightmare began, when Jeremy's Mom came down the stairs  holding my lifeless baby in her arms.

I have given the coat away, just couldn't bear to keep it.  Some of the outfits have been worn.  But this one, this holiday one still has the tags on it.

It never fit Amelia during the holidays, and I was always a little relieved for that.  However, it is Liberty's size.  She would look so cute in it this week as we go out and play as a family.

I just don't know if I can do it.  If I can take this last bit of that day and put it out there for me to see, to hold, to touch.  I bought it for my baby girl, I bought it for her to wear on Christmas.  I never would have dreamed when I was shopping and she was dreaming at home she would be gone so quickly.  I thought it would be fun to dress her up, and then let her sisters wear it as they got older.

So many plans that never were.  So many wishes and hopes for her that I don't get to see...

Now though, I have these other girls. These wonderful, happy, loud, ALIVE girls.  I love them, I love them so much, so fiercely. 

I guess it's just another part of moving on, of moving past the pain that pain that never really ends, just grows different with each passing year.

I think I'll wash it and let her wear it.  I will let her wear it and imagine what Emma would have looked like in it.  I will wonder if she would have been walking at a year, what she would have eaten in it, what she would have played with while wearing it, maybe she had a blow-out diaper in it and made a big mess.  I will dress my Liberty in it and smile and hold her just a little bit tighter.

The Sweater

It is common lore in the knitting world that you should never make a sweater for your boyfriend.  Why? Because sure as shootin', you invest all that time and money to make it then you break up.  So, never make a Boyfriend Sweater.  A Husband Sweater on the other hand, well, that is a no-brainer!

In the 6 years I've been knitting, my darling husband has watched me make countless diaper covers, sweaters, hats, mittens and other things for the kids.  He watched me make myself socks, a beautiful scarf and a hats.  He has gotten 1 pair of socks and that is it.

Jeremy has asked me for a sweater numerous times.  I always made some excuse not to do it and it was forgotten.  Last year he turned 30.  I thought it would be such a great gift to give him a sweater for his 30th birthday.  So we scoured Ravelry in search of patterns.  When we found Retrofit by Jesse Loesberg, we knew it was a match made in heaven.  Perfect for my skinny man, and it looked to be a relatively easy knit.  Next up, finding the perfect yarn.  Working on a budget meant that I wasn't going to use an expensive yarn.  However, if I am investing that kind of time into something, I want a yarn that will 1. hold up and 2. be good to work with.  So, we went with Wool of the Andes from Knit Picks.  Being a man, he wanted manly colors (boring)...black and gray. 

I had this dream that I would get it started in January and have it done for his birthday on February 24.  His birthday came and I had the back done and was started on the sleeves.  Sleeves always take the longest for me and these were no exception.  As the days grew warmer, I justified not working on it as intensely because even if I did finish it, he couldn't wear it right then anyway.  So, I worked on it here and there, took it on our vacation this summer and worked on it in the car.

The days started growing shorter and colder and I realized that I was thisclose to finishing his sweater!  So, I kicked into high gear and finished on December 23.  Almost 11 months to the day.  I have told him he's lucky he's a size Medium, or he may not have gotten a sweater!

He loves it.  He wore it for 3 days straight.  I love it, such a fun knit.  I don't love how the zipper turned out, it puckers a little bit, but it is okay.  One of Jeremy's coworkers said that her Grandma used to knit a flaw into everything she made saying, "God is the only one who makes anything perfect".  I like that and am now making that my knitting motto.

And To All a Good Night

Oh what a fabulous Christmas we had.  Tired of having too much stuff in our lives, we did considerably less this year, and it felt good.  My children had real gratitude and joy about each gift and really, I would have been happy had I gotten nothing at all.

The only thing the kids got from us was a Wii and the robes I made.  We always do a game on Christmas Eve, so we let them open it early in the day and we played all night long.  Seth beat Jeremy twice at Bowling, and came close to beating me a few times.  He is good.

Fainting with JOY!

Squealing with JOY!

They really would have been okay with just that.  But, we also had some great handmade gifts to give.  The kids each made each other gifts this year.  Jeremy and I helped them on Christmas Eve make them. They each made each other coloring books with pages from this site.  This is one of my kids favorite places to go.  Seth and I made some crayon nibbles for Amelia and a My Little Pony Coloring Book.  Amelia made Seth a Star Wars/Toy Story coloring book and decorated a box for his Legos.  They loved making the gifts and watching the other open them.

The favorite gifts by far though, were the homemade ones.  I mentioned before that I made the kids robes and slippers.  They loved them so much.  In fact, Seth wore his all day on Christmas.

 

 

I love that we didn't spend a ton on Christmas this year.  The kids didn't get so many new toys that they don't know what to do with themselves.  They had a great day and so did we.

Merry Christmas!

I did not do cards this year.  I did not take pictures of my children in their Christmas best.  I have been too busy having fun with those guys from JibJab.

So, Merry Christmas from my Elves to yours!

Send your own ElfYourself eCards

Christmas Dancing, originally uploaded by naturalmom26.

It's The Most Wonderful Time...

I feel so much better today.  Yesterday started out with the potential to be another icky one, but then I changed my attitude and we had a great one.

I have been working so hard on gifts for my loved ones and hopefully (fingers crossed) I will get everything done before Thursday!  I have made robes for Seth and Amelia and am going to make matching slippers for them.  I still need to make Libby's robe and slippers.  They are going to be SO cute and I am so excited to be making their gifts this year.

I am also working like a mad woman to get Jeremy's sweater done.  I bought the yarn last January with the delusion hope I would get it done by his birthday on February 24.  I had the back done by his birthday, that's something right?  So, throughout the year this sweater has come everywhere with me and I am almost done with it!  I finished the collar yesterday while nursing the baby and it is now blocking and ready for a zipper.  I REALLY hope to get it done and wrapped for him.

We have also been busy being Santa (in a box with a lion and a zebra as the reindeer)

playing in the snow,

 making gingerbread houses

 

 and just lounging around the tree.

So, despite all the headache that can (and does) come with the Holidays, I am taking a few moments to remind myself that it really is a magical time of year.

Foul

I am in a foul mood tonight.  I am not sure why.  Everything and everyone is rubbing me the wrong way.  I just want to scream and sadly I have done a lot of that.

I was ready to run away and it was bedtime, so I did what I do every night, nursed Libby.  It is amazing the hormones that are released and how they are so very calming.  By the time I was done and she was ready for Daddy, I was feeling much more centered and ready to be a Mama again.  I went and finished brushing teeth, tucked in some kiddos and apologized for my rotten behavior tonight.  Sweet as they are, they forgave me, gave me a kiss and a squeeze.  All is right in their worlds again.

The problem is this though....they shouldn't have to forgive me.  I am their Mom.  I am their example.  I am their world.  My foul mood should not make them cry or run from me, or point a colored pencil at me to make me stop being mean (that was Amelia's one and it actually made me laugh).  They shouldn't have to walk on egg shells, and sadly they do.

I apologize to them. I apologize to my darling, who has to pick up the pieces when I am on the rampage.  I apologize to Heavenly Father for treating these sweet spirits this way. 

I am tired.  It is cold out.  I have been inside all day working on one project or another.  This doesn't excuse my actions...just trying to make sense of it.

So, in addition to the great calming hormones that come from breastfeeding, I am going to call on a couple of other helpers tonight.  Knitting, Dr. Pepper, peppermint ice cream with hot fudge, a movie and snuggling with my Man.

Luckily, tomorrow is another day.  Tomorrow I will snuggle my kids, talk to them about Christmas, wrap some gifts, make some goodies, sing a solo in Church and try try try to make it a better day.

Holiday Fun

It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas....and with a walking little one, ornaments are sure to disappear off the tree faster than I can replace them.  Even though I have plastic ornaments, they still get broken and I really don't want to be stressing about ornaments this year.

So...being the crafty Mama I am, I decided to let my kids make ornaments this year.  And, because I love you all so much, I'll teach you how!

These are really simple and fun to make.  Here's what you need:

Fabric Crayons
Wax Paper
Iron
Fabric
Ribbon
Polyfill

Cut your fabric into squares or rectangles or whatever and let your kids draw whatever they want on them.  Nice Sunday dress is not required, we were just doing this before Church.

When they are done, you are ready to set the crayon.  Place your fabric on your ironing board crayon side up.  Place wax paper on top and then an extra piece of fabric on top of that.

 

Now you're ready to iron and set the crayon.

After you have finished this step, cut backs for the ornaments and get ready to sew and stuff them.  I prefer to do the ironing while the kids are in bed and then let them sit with me while I sew and they stuff.

 

 

When you're done, sew them up and put a bit of ribbon in the top for hanging on the tree.  If you want, you can use your pinking shears and go around the edges to prevent fraying.

I would totally show you ours on the tree, but we haven't decorated the tree yet! What?  I still have a week before Christmas!

This is such a fun activity and I can't wait to see these on my tree.  Something fun and that will help me remember my babies at this age.

Seven

I'm trying to think of something original to tell you.  Something you haven't heard about Emma.  Something different than what I write every Angel Day and every Birthday.  But I can't think of anything you don't already know.  I only have 8 months, 8 days of memories, stories and pictures.  There is only so much I can say.  How many times can I say I miss her?  How many times can I say I wish she were here?  How often can I lament about what she should be doing right now?  How much can I express the ache and hole in my soul with her gone?  It just seems that I say the same thing every year and maybe I do.  But it doesn't make it any less true.  It doesn't make it any less real.  I only have so many memories, and sadly those are fading.  I remember things that happened when pictures were taken, I remember what was going on in the videos...but other memories...they are going.  I really don't like that at all.  It is so very hard.

Today however, is a celebration of my girl.  Beautiful big blue eyes, huge smile, happy disposition.  She is my Angel.  She really was the happiest baby ever.  I remember telling Jeremy, the week before she died, that I hoped she would always be this happy.  She was just such a joy to everyone who came in contact with her.  She only cried when she was hungry, tired or poopy.  Seriously, so very happy.  She loved to listen to Dancing Queen and Fugi Fugi Fugi (seriously, her favorite song and I tear up just listening to it. She loved it so much).  She always had a lot of thick dark hair and the day she died I was going to put it up in a "whale spout" -- much like the hairstyle Libby sports all the time now.  She loved to nurse, which after a rocky start, was a wonderful gift.

What an amazing baby, this beautiful little girl who made me a Mother.  Gave me my first worry, overwhelming joy, and crushing heartbreak.  She taught me about love, worry, trusting my Mother's instinct, sleeping whenever I can, balancing my time as a Mother, Wife and Woman, and oh so much more.

Emma is forever my baby.  I look forward to the day when I can hold her again and celebrate her birth with her in my arms.

Happy Birthday baby girl.  You are forever mine and I am forever yours.

Make video montages at www.OneTrueMedia.com

Marshmallow Making

I've been talking about this for weeks.  I have a mouth full of sweet tooths (or is it teeth?) and just can't resist the sugary sweet goodness that comes this time of year.  I love making marshmallows and love this recipe from Brownie Points Blog.

While many couldn't make my party because of the snow, those who came had a good time.

Before everyone came I made 5 pans of marshmallows.  I needed to make them the day before because they need to sit for 10-12 hours.  I then showed the girls how to make mallows and set them loose cutting, rolling in powdered sugar and dipping in chocolate.  Everyone got to take home a lot and I still have a TON left.  Looks like I have enough for Seth's Teachers!

So....without further babbling on my part...and for those who couldn't come, because Winter decided to rear it's ugly head today...

Marshmallows :: The Tutorial

These are really very simple all you need is Gelatin, Sugar, Water and Corn Syrup.  As you can see I buy a big box of gelatin, but you can get the small boxes too, that works just fine.  You also need parchment paper, it is just not in this picture.

The first step is to put 3/4 C. water, 1 T. vanilla (or a capful of whatever flavoring you want) in your mixing bowl.  Sprinkle 4 envelopes of gelatin on top.  Let it "bloom".  You don't stir it at all, just let it sit there.  The gelatin will thicken and become what you want, promise :)

Next you will put 3 C. sugar, 3/4 C. water,1 1/4 corn syrup, & 1/2 t. salt in a heavy bottomed sauce pan.  Don't use a huge pan or you won't be able to take the temperature properly.  Stir just to combine everything, put the lid on and bring to a boil.

Once it comes to a boil, take the lid off and start taking the temperature.  See how my thermometer is in there?  It is balanced on the edge and the probe is not touching the pan at all, this is what you want (and why you don't want to use a huge pan).

When it hits 240 degrees, and looks like this, it is ready.  Now you will turn your mixer on low and slowly pour this boiling hot liquid to the gelatin mixture.  It will bubble up a bit and that is ok.  If you have a splash guard on your mixer, use it.  If you're like me and don't, just use a towel.  Put a towel over it and turn it to high.  Let it go for 15 minutes.  Check in on it, when it is white and fluffy, take the towel off.

While this is whipping (yes, you have the whisk attachment on for this), prepare your pan. I like to put mine in a 9x13, but a jelly roll works too.  Spray your pan with cooking spray then line with parchment paper.  You spray the pan so that the paper will stick.  Make sure that all 4 sides are covered in paper.  Then spray the paper so the marshmallows will come out easily.

After 15 minutes your marshmallows should be ready.  Spray a spatula with cooking spray and scoop the yummy goopy mess into your pan.  Let it sit for 10ish hours and then you're ready to cut!

Now I suggest duping inviting your friends over and tell them you are going to "teach" them how to make marshmallows and then show them how to cut the mallows and let them do all of them.  They need the practice, right?  Works for me!

Sprinkle some powdered sugar on the marshmallows in the pan and spread it all over the top.  Then turn it out onto some powdered sugar parchment paper.  Coat in more powdered sugar and now you can use either a big knife or a big pizza cutter and cut away!

Now, these are very sticky.  So, you want to use lots of powdered sugar (or if you don't want that much sugar, you can use white rice flour) and coat all 4 sides of each mallow.  Sometimes I will mix cocoa and powdered sugar and use that to coat my chocolate marshmallows. Oh so yummy!

 For a super decadent treat, melt some chocolate chips and dip your marshmallows in the chocolate.  This makes a fancier treat and is great for giving away to your friends and neighbors.

Yes, they taste as good as they look.  Here are a few tips...

1. You really should use a heavy duty stand mixer.  I was asked if you could do this with a hand mixer and you could, but it would be really hot, long and you take the risk of getting burned by the liquid hot magma.

2. If you are going to make chocolate, mix 8 T. cocoa with 8 T. boiling water and make a paste.  When your marshmallows are done and ready to put into your pan, fold the chocolate into the marshmallows.  They will be stripey and oh so pretty.

3. When you add a flavoring other than vanilla it will change the consistency of your marshmallows and they will be a bit stickier and more dense.  They still taste amazing.

So...what are you waiting for?  Go make some marshmallows.  You will never want to buy a Jet Puff marshmallow again!

It is SO Exhausting

It is so exhausting being a baby and having to go to and fro with your Mom.  If you don't believe me, just ask Miss Liberty Jane.

Blog Bid Hope The Auction

Today I am participating in Blog Bid Hope, an auction to help the Mayhew Family and the Liz Logelin Foundation.  Here is more information.  Read this post, go to the different sites that are hosting the auctions and bid. xoxo


Through blogging, we have learned that we can make authentic connections with people around the world.

We read about one another's greatest accomplishments, we celebrate the highest highs and we grieve the lowest lows.

This holiday season I have decided I want to help. I want to use this platform as a way to bring good to some not so good situations.

And because we read and love and learn and cry and laugh with each other, we must be here to support and help one another as well. Recently one of our own, Anissa Mayhew, a witty mother of three, collapsed after suffering a massive stroke. Her family and friends are devastated.

One minute her husband was talking to her about which hotel they could stay in over Thanksgiving and the next moment she was unresponsive in a hospital bed. Everyone is praying for Anissa to pull through and little by little it seems they are starting to see bits of progress, but her family has a long way to go. She has just been moved out of intensive care and has a very long road ahead of her...they need help.

Matt Logelin is no stranger to the devastating turns our lives can take. He started blogging like many of us did, as a way to update friends and family across the globe on the progress of his family...in his case, a pregnant wife, Liz.

He proudly posted the excitement of the birth of his baby girl Madeline one day and the tragic loss of his beautiful wife due to a pulmonary embolism just 27 hours later.

The Liz Logelin Foundation was established by Matt to assist families suffering similar losses. The goal is to "financially assist these families as they deal with the loss of their loved ones, and struggle to move forward."

Matt also challenges his readers...and everyone...to "skip the latte" and donate 7 dollars on the 7th of every month. It can be such a small number for us, but if EVERYONE donated $7 on the 7th, we could help SO many.

The week of December 7, I will be working with a group of bloggers (Buried with Children, Mayhem & Moxie, 7 Clown Circus, Scary Mommy, The Extraordinary Ordinary, & Mama’s Losin’ It) to promote a three day auction called, Blog, Bid, Hope to raise money on behalf of The Liz Logelin Foundation and Anissa Mayhew.

Thanks to Laurie from Tip Junkie we were able to connect with wonderful mom-preneurs who have generously agreed to donate their goods, including blog designs, toys, art, accessories, baby gear, and SO much more.

You'll be sure to please anyone on your holiday list with any number of the packages that will be available! Not to mention ALL of the proceeds will be going to help people during extremely difficult times in their lives.

The auction will officially begin on Wednesday, December 9th. All items will listed on any one of the Blog, Bid, Hope hosting sites and will begin at $10. We're asking for bids to increase at $2 increments. If you see an item you'd like to bid on, just leave a comment on that item's post stating your price.

In addition to our own auction we want to encourage everyone to swing by Anissa Mayhew's Aiming Low site on December 10th. Her friends and fellow Aiming Low writers have organized a Shop 4 Anissa day, where they will link to specific vendors who have agreed to donate a portion of all proceeds to the Hope 4 Anissa fund specifically for that day.

See that? You can help too. We all can. Together. Like a giant kumbaya family. Bloggers helping bloggers.

Let's show everyone how powerful we can be when we choose to work together toward a common goal.


[This same post is cross-posted on the participating bloggers' blogs and is not all my own words, but definitely is what my heart feels, too. My love to all of you today :) ]

If you'd like to donate directly to Anissa and her family, you can send via PayPal to: anissa.mayhew@gmail.com, and to give to the Liz Logelin Foundation, you can go here.