Happy Halloween

From my Spooky House to Yours!

 Can you guess whose pumpkin is whose?

This week has been a flurry getting ready for the big day.  My kids have never been as excited for Halloween as they were this year.  When Seth's school sent home a note on Monday saying that no weapons were allowed, we had to scrap the Jedi costume.  Because really, who wants to be a Jedi when you can't have your Light Saber? ;)

So, he decided he needed to be Wall-E.  Cute huh? 

I'm lucky to have such a handy husband.  I came up with the basic design and he went off running.  The eyes were all him.  Man am I lucky!

Have a happy and safe Halloween!!!

About Emma

I have been putting this off for some time now.  I know you're curious, but I really don't want to get into it.  I know that you care and so you want to know.  I know that when I hear of something similar, I want to know also.

I know you want to know about Emma.  I see what people search for on my site.  The most popular searches are "Emma Death" and "How did Emma die?".  I won't lie to you, it stings.  I don't like seeing that that is what people want to read about here.

I understand you're curious.  Really, I do.  It is not often that a baby dies and when it happens we want to have answers, reasons why.  We want to have comfort in knowing that it won't happen to us because of xyz.

I'm going to tell you a story.  This story starts shortly after August 23, 2003.  When Emma died I, like many grieving parents, needed to find some way to honor her memory, her life.  Jeremy and I decided to start a website for grieving parents.  It was specific to the LDS faith, but had visitors from all religions.  We had a blog, we had a forum.  I was helping others, and getting help back.  It was good.

I wrote about Emma's life.  I shared pictures of each month and wrote what she'd been doing that month.  Lucky for me, I had it all written in her baby book, so I was able to copy it.  In August it was no different...except it was.

I wrote about what happened to Emma.  I wrote all of the details.  It was there, on the internet, for the whole world to see.  I never imagined anyone would judge me.  I judged myself enough so I thought it didn't matter what anyone said.  If I helped one person, it would be worth it.

About a year or so after I put this website up, I had an experience.  I was at church talking to this woman.  She then started to recount this "story" she'd read on the internet.  It was a story of a baby dying.  As she is telling me this story, I told her "that was me".  She kept saying "no, no, no, this and that happened" I continued to tell her that it was me.  This went on about 5 or 6 times at which point I looked at her with tears in my eyes and said, "That is ME that is my baby, that is my story".  She gave me the most judgemental look and said, "oh."  She then walked away.

I was so hurt, so ripped to shreds that I went home and took Emma's story down.  When the time came to renew the website, I didn't.  I just couldn't do it.  I couldn't face that again.  Like I said before, I hurt enough, felt guilty enough, and judged myself enough, I really didn't need anyone else doing it.

That is when I stopped telling everyone Emma's story.  Because you see, it is not just her story, but it is mine.

So, I understand your curiosity, but please give me this.  Let me have this one thing that I don't share.  I don't share how she died with people in real life unless I know them very well.  I am guarded.  I will tell you this, Emma was perfect.  She was happy with blue eyes that lit up when she saw her Mom and Dad.  Emma loved to nurse, crawled so fast, and was ready to laugh.  She had thick brown hair, creamy skin and a heart shaped strawberry mark between her eyes.  She was born with a freckle on her low back and when I saw it for the first time, I told Jeremy that her husband would love it someday.  She is my first baby and helped me learn how to be a Mother.  She is my baby and I will continue to protect her and her memory.

I hope you understand.  So please, please stop searching for Emma death and How Emma died.  It kills me every time I see it.

Halloween; Let's Review

I love Halloween (if you haven't figured that out yet).  So today I thought I'd share with you Halloween pasts from my family to yours.  Enjoy!

Year One; I was pretty preggers with Emma, and this was just so fun. (this one is for you Mom)

Year Three; Kanga, Roo and their Tree House

Year Four; Our Little Horsie

Year Five; The House at Pooh Corner

Year Six; one of his 3 costumes that year...Super Roo!

Year Seven; Little Red Riding Hood and...

Obi Wan Kenobi (of course)

This is part of Seven Clown Circus' Wordful Wednesday.

A Little Halloween Crafting

Powered by Whrrl

Ok, so now that you have watched this ADORABLE little story I wrote about my babes, I will tell you about their SUPER CUTE costumes. 

Yes, they are all home made.  No, not all by me.  I made the Ladybug costume, it was so fun and easy.  A little time consuming, what with the sewing on of all the dots, but SO worth it and will be SO warm (a necessity since it will be SNOWING by Halloween here).  I might make myself a flower costume...we'll see how my days play out this week.

The Princess dress was made by my Mama.  I was going to, had every intention of doing so, and then I had sling orders that had to be finished and my Mom was here with her sewing machine and she gladly did it for me.  We are calling it her Christmas Fairy dress.  You see, originally she wanted to be Tinkerbell.  So, I bought green satin. Then, she found some sparkly red shoes (yes, Ruby Slippers if you will) and she HAD to have them.  So, I bought some red tulle, used some red and gold rick-rack from my Great-Grandmother's stash that inherited, and there you have it folks.  The cutest Princess ever.

The boy..well, you know my boy right?  The one obsessed with all things Star Wars?  So, is it a shock that he will yet again be Obi Wan Kenobi?  I actually thought he was going to be something different this year.  Was going to mix it up a bit.  But, when my Mom, his Meemaw, presented him with a light up Light Saber...well, it was over.  So, we have Obi Wan again.  No worries though, it is just less work for me!

So, those are our adorable costumes for this year.  What are your kids going to be?  Do you have a family theme that you try to stick with?  Do you make your costumes or are you thrilled to buy them?

Angels

I have long been a believer in Angels.  I firmly believe that when we need them most, they are sent to us to give comfort, aid and whatever else it may be that we need.

Now, I need to clarify something.  I do not believe in the angels with wings and halos and such.  At least, those are not the ones that help, uplift and give what we need in our most dire moments.

The Angels I am talking about are flesh and blood.  The people that come into our lives, maybe for just a short time, but leave an imprint on our hearts and souls forever.  Quite possibly, someone you meet and say, "I swear I know this person" because you feel just so comfortable with them.

Those people, they are the ones that are on my mind today.  Those friends Angels, are the ones that are lifting me up.

I often reference Emma's death when I talk about amazing things happening.  Amazing things happened, friends came to my rescue and saved me.  However, that is not the only time in my life when these Angels have been present.

The first memory I have of this was in 2nd grade.  On the first or second day of school, I met my best friend.  She and I were inseparable until we moved the summer before 6th grade.  Even after that, we stayed in contact, got together (the 6 hour drive didn't matter to us) and have seen each other off and on over the last 20  years.  She was one of the cool kids, I was not.  She made sure that I was included and invited to all of the gatherings.  She doesn't know it, but she was so very influential in who I am today.  It is because of her that I have always befriended the underdog, always tried to make everyone feel welcome, to be kind and play nice.

In High School, we moved to Utah.  On the first Sunday here, I met my soul sister.  I swear we were destined to be friends.  Annie and I were joined at the hip.  She got me.  She made me laugh (still does), loved pretending like we were from New York and were dating Christian Bale and Robert Sean Leonard (yeah, we were dorks), watching Swing Kids and Newsies with me, oh the list goes on.  She was my darling friend that moved me to Logan when I started college.  When my heart was torn to shreds our Sophomore Year in college, she made the ice cream run and let me listen to Celiene Dion, The Cure and Sarah McLaughlin ad nausem in our dorm room.  When she got married and had her first 3 children, I was there to cheer her on.  She and I have been through so much together and truly, she is still one of my very best and dearest friends.

When I decided to serve a Mission for the L.D.S. Church, I met my next fabulous friend in the MTC.  We were both loud, loved to laugh and had GREAT morning hair.  Kerri and I were two peas in a pod.  She went to Poland, I went to West Virginia.  She was an Army Brat, I was...well, not.  Shortly after she returned from her mission, she went to KU.  I moved to Kansas the next summer and the next fall moved in with her.  This is when I met Jeremy.  She taught me how to go backpacking (one of the best trips EVER), about the joy of bike riding, and to count my blessings.  Every night she would write in her journal about the highs and lows of the day.  Always focusing on the highs.  Neither of us knew that 9 years after we first met, I would be able to give her comfort as she faced the unthinkable, her infant son dying. 

So many more people, so many more stories.  These are three of the Angels I have had in my life.  I really could write all night about this.  But, there is another Angel sitting on the couch waiting for me to come snuggle with him.  My darling.  He is an Angel to me.  Despite his grief when Emma died, he stood by and picked up the pieces of me.  He listened, let me do what I needed to and never wavered in his love for me.

I ask you now, who are the Angels in your life?  Who are those people that have been most influential to you?  Have you told them recently how much they mean to you?  If not, what are you waiting for?

Child Labor?

Can it really be labeled Child Labor if it is loads of fun, quality time with Mom and Dad, and you can eat the fresh hot applesauce out of the bowl?  Nah...I didn't think so either.  It sure is fun though.

Applesauce Recipe

Ok, this is hard, really hard.  Are you ready?

Ingredients:
Apples (LOTS OF THEM)
Cinnamon
Water

Wash apples and cut into quarters.  Steam apples until they are very soft.  Put into your great strainer and put your kids to work.  Or do it yourself, whatever.

When your bowl is good and full, transfer it to a stock pot, add cinnamon to taste and ENJOY!

This is the only applesauce we eat.  We canned 44 quarts this year and hopefully (fingers crossed) they will last until next October.

Yum yum yum.

Psst...

If you read me in a reader, click over to see my amazing new design. In the last year I have had 4 fabulous designs, each one more fitting than the last. Christy from Ruby and Roja has been my amazing designer.

Ruby and Roja is a team of graphic designers who love to make all things beautiful. Beth, Christy and Sarah are not only fabulous designers, but great women.

I love supporting other Women and their work. I love even more when they are Moms, just like me, and are trying to find a way to earn money while staying home with their babes.

Are you in need of a new design?? Then go on over to Ruby and Roja and let them make you look as beautiful as I do!!!

I Love This Man

The love of my life

who, for the last eight years

has made me laugh

everyday

held my hand through thick and thin

is the best Father ever

the most amazing man

and he's all mine.

I couldn't ask for more

He is all I have ever wanted. All I never knew I needed. He is my rock, my love, my best friend.

Eight years...I love you more today than I did that windy day in Omaha.

I love you J.D. You're my favorite. For-ev-er.

It's Time.

I have lost a child. I have held my daughter in my arms and knew there was no life in her. I have seen the worst and lived to tell the tale. I know what it feels like to not want to live. I have had to bury my child, close a casket, design a headstone, explain to my subsequent children about their sister. I have to field questions daily about her and how she died and why she died. I hear from my children every single day that they wish their sister was here. Yes, my child died.

This is a huge part of who I am, but it is not who I am. In the last six years I have had much time for learning, development and growth. I have had plenty of opportunities wherein I was tested, tried and strengthened. For all of the opportunities I took advantage of, there were countless more that I didn't.

You see, I have been coasting. For six years I have said, "I can't do that, it's too much, my baby died". I haven't been the best example of faith. I haven't lived up to a lot of the expectations I have for myself. I haven't lived up to the expectations that I feel God has for me. Lucky for me, He is forgiving and knows that I have done what I could.

And I have. I have done what I could. I have had three children, at home. I have moved five times. I have had several different Church assignments. I have made friends, comforted those who have needed it. I have taken dinners to families with a new baby, helped serve food at funerals, volunteered in various community capacities. I have tried to be a voice of understanding and comfort to those who have had to do the unthinkable, bury their child.

So, in the last six years, I have done a lot. I have done all that I can. There have been many challenges I have taken on and realized that this is not the time for me to do this. One example is becoming a La Leche League leader. I really wanted to do this. When Emma died, I was working on becoming a Childbirth Educator and Doula. So, I felt that being a LLL leader would fit in with that. I have found however that I am much more easily distracted now than I was then. I just couldn't fit one more thing in. I have learned to say "no". This is big for me because I, like most of the women in my family, tended to be a people pleaser. When Emma died, that stopped. I didn't have the energy to do it, and frankly, I am glad I don't do it anymore. I do what is best for me and my family, period.

So, while I haven't accomplished all I have set out to do, I have done a lot.

However, as I said before, I have been coasting. I have been emotionally and spiritually been coasting. I have acted as if I deserve a break because of what happened. And frankly, for a while, I did. But now it is time to step up my game.

Things have been falling apart at my house. My children are not happy, I am not happy much of the time. There is too much anger and not enough kindness. Too much yelling and not enough laughing. Too many harsh words and not enough I love you's. Too many tears and not enough hugs. I know why this is. I know what I need to do. And I am ready to do it. I am ready to stop coasting. I am ready to step it up and become the Woman I want to be.

I am so grateful for the time I had to coast, to mend (because we never heal), to meditate, to learn, to grow, to just be. And now it is time. It is time for change. Time for me to concentrate on my family that is here on Earth, not the part that is in Heaven.

Does this mean I stop thinking about Emma and stop missing her? Absolutely not. Does this mean the questions from my children about her stop? No way. What this means is this; there is a huge hole in my heart, a huge part of me that is missing and always will be. I am not going to use it as an excuse to myself anymore. I am choosing to not be angry with God anymore. I am choosing to forgive Him and forgive myself for her death. I am choosing to live my life and give her sisters and brother the best life I can. I am choosing to be the Mom I wanted to be when I was pregnant 7 years ago. I am choosing to be the wife I wanted to be when I was married almost 8 years ago.

It's been six years and I am ready for this.

Psycho Kim

No way man. I am not hooked on sugar. I can quit anytime.

Except when I do quit, beware. I'm not nice. Ask my kids. Ask my husband. Ask the random guy at the grocery store who landed on the wrong end of my wrath.

So the other day I am at the grocery store with my children in tow. I had made it out of the store without eating the free cookie they offer to the kids, buying a Dr. Pepper, buying a donut or candy or chocolate milk, or really anything with sugar in it that was calling my name. I was leaving and had a little trouble getting out of my parking space. I was frustrated, children talking too loud, my stomach growling, my hands shaking and it happened. A man gave me, what I perceived as, a dirty look. Yes, he did.

Normally, I would smile apologetically for whatever I had done to offend and be on my way. But, when PSYCHO KIM takes over, there is no telling what she'll do. I rolled down the window and had the following exchange:

Psycho Kim: Do you have a problem with me?
Man: Um no.
P.S.: I saw you give me a dirty look. What's your problem?!?!
Man: Maam I did not give you any look if you are having a bad day, then I'm sorry that's your problem.
P.S.: Whatever.

I sped off and called Jeremy, yelled at him for something that clearly was not his fault and then I called my Mom and cried, "Why in the WORLD would any MOTHER go off SUGAR?!?!? What was I THINKING?!?!"

She consoled me telling me by Thursday I would be feeling so much better. I told her she was wrong and that I would never be feeling better.

But guess what, today is Thursday and I am feeling a little better. Just stay out of my way and be sure not to be giving me anything but a smiling face when I see you. You just never know when Psycho Kim may attack.

So Much

Sometimes there is just so much swirling in my head
and there are just no words to describe how I'm feeling
the frustration, irritation, exhaustion
the thrill, the laughter, the joy.

Those are just words, they can't describe the emotion.

So much, so much, so much filling my time, my arms, my lap, my life.

And I wouldn't trade it for anything.

Yummy

Yeah I know. Beautiful, yummy, perfect fabric. My Mama brought me these, all on the bolt. Yes, she loves me. And because I love all of you, I will share this bounty with you! Aren't these perfect for slings and dresses?? Head on over to my shop and order yours today!!!

A Day at the Orchard

Last week we made our annual trek to our local Orchard. As always, it was glorious! I really look forward to this each year and so do the kids.

We came away with 3 bushels of Honey Crisp, Liberty, Cortland, Jonathan and Golden Delicious apples. We love to mix these and make some fabulous applesauce.

We also picked our own pumpkins and got 3 pie pumpkins. Yes, I am making real live pumpkin pies this year. No canned stuff for me!

The weather was a little chilly, but that didn't stop us or dampen our spirits. We had fun.

Snuggle-Me Stories Review and Giveaway WINNER!!

Drumroll please.....

The winner, according to Random.org, is lucky number 29!

Miss Von said...

I blogged!
http://fearlessdandgirlishglee.blogspot.com/2009/10/snuggle-me-stories.html

October 5, 2009 11:23 AM

Thank you all so much for entering and be sure to check out the 3 awesome giveaways I have on my new Review Blog!! I will have LOADS more coming up next week!!!!

Miss Von, email me and I will get you your great books!!!

xoxo!

DUH! Thank you to Nicole for reminding me that I was choosing TWO winners, not just one!!! So, I again consulted magical Random.org and have lucky number 8 as the second winner!

Stacy said...

I have so many favorite kids books! We love Mo Willems and David Shannon at our house, but our all time classic favorite has to be "There's a monster at the end of this book" with Grover. its a classic!

September 25, 2009 9:35 AM

Email me Stacy and I'll pass on your information!!! :)

Friends, Food and Good Times

I have been so blessed with amazing friends and family. There are so many of you out there in the blogosphere, and so many right in my backyard.

Last Saturday, I took the chance to do what I do best, take care of my people, my friends. I invited a few of those nearest and dearest to my heart; my sister Cristin, Annie my best friend from high school, Loralee, Heidi, Kate, Nicole, Heather and my sister-in-law Stephanie. Heather, Stephanie, Nicole and Kate couldn't come and my Mother-in-law just happened to be in town. It was so much fun.

I planned having a Ladies lunch as a way to celebrate us, relax, eat good food and laugh. We did all of those things.


My theme (yes, I had a theme!) was "A Taste of the Mediterranean". For our appetizer we traveled to Greece and enjoyed 3 different varieties of Sabra Hummus; Roasted Red Pepper, Roasted Garlic and Classic. These were all fantastic. I was impressed at how smooth and creamy they were and the taste was just delicious.


We then headed over to Italy and had tomato, basil and mozzarella salad drizzled with balsamic vinegar. I used tomatoes and basil from my garden and this was OH! so delish!


For our main course, we stayed in Italy for a Baked Risotto Primavera. I don't typically try a new dish on friends, but this just looked too good to pass up! I didn't even take any pictures of it, it was gone that fast! Luckily I made it again last night and was able to catch a picture of it.


For dessert, we headed up to France for Poached Pears with a warm berry sauce and vanilla gelato. Oh.my.gosh. For it not being chocolate, this was DIVINE! Everyone said, "This tastes like Christmas!".


We all had a fabulous time, left with full bellies and even fuller hearts. I hope each of my dear ones felt as uplifted when they left as I did.


***psst! I'm having a FABULOUS giveaway from Sabra Hummus on my Review Blog, go check it out!

Oh, you want recipes?? Here you go!

Baked Risotto Primavera

• 1 tablespoon extra-virgin olive oil
• 2 medium onions, chopped (about 1 1/2 cups)
• 1 cup short- or medium-grain brown rice (see Ingredient note)
• 3 cloves garlic, minced
• 1/2 cup dry white wine
• 2 14-1/2-ounce can reduced-sodium chicken broth or 3 1/2 cups vegetable broth
• 8 ounces asparagus, ends trimmed, cut into 1-inch pieces (2 cups)
• 1 cup sugar snap peas or snow peas, trimmed, cut into 1-inch pieces
• 1 cup diced red bell pepper (1 medium)
• 1 1/2 cups freshly grated Parmesan cheese (3 1/2 ounces)
• 1/4 cup chopped fresh parsley
• 1/4 cup chopped fresh chives
• 1-2 teaspoons freshly grated lemon zest
• Freshly ground pepper to taste

Preheat oven to 425 degrees F.

Heat oil in a Dutch oven or ovenproof high sided skillet over medium heat. Add onions and cook, stirring occasionally, until softened, 3 to 5 minutes. Stir in rice and garlic; cook, stirring, 1 to 2 minutes. Stir in wine and simmer until it has mostly evaporated. Add broth and bring to a boil. Cover the pan and transfer to the oven. (I don't have a dutch oven, so when it was time to put it in the oven, I transferred everything to a 9x13 pan)

Bake until the rice is just tender, 50 minutes to 1 hour. (this actually took about 1 hr. 20 min. for me)

Shortly before the risotto is done, steam asparagus, peas and bell pepper until crisp-tender, about 4 minutes.

Fold the steamed vegetables, Parmesan, parsley, chives, lemon zest and pepper into the risotto. Serve immediately.

Ingredient noteUse short- or medium-grain brown rice, available in natural-foods stores and large supermarkets, to achieve the characteristic creamy risotto texture. Lundberg Family Farms (www.lundberg.com) sells an excellent short-grain brown rice. Another source is dannysorganic.com.

Poached Pears with Warm Berry Sauce

6-8 Bosc Pears, peeled.
2-3 C. white grape juice
1 t. nutmeg
3 cinnamon sticks
zest of 1 orange

After peeling the pears, slice off the very bottom and cut the core out. Bring the juice, spices and orange zest to a boil and add the pears. Cover and cook for 10 minutes. Allow the pears to cool then transfer to the refrigerator. I found that placing them in a bundt pan worked really well. Leave in the refrigerator until you're ready to use them.

Warm Berry Sauce

3 cups berries -- I used frozen, but you can use any type. Mine had raspberries, blueberries and blackberries in it.
1/2 C. sugar
1 t. vanilla
1/2 t. cinnamon
1/2 t. nutmeg
2 T. cornstarch
1/4 C. cold water

In a saucepan, combine berries, sugar, vanilla, cinnamon, and nutmeg and bring to a boil. In a small bowl, combine cornstarch and water, stirring until it dissolves. Add the cornstarch slurry to the sauce to thicken. Stir until smooth and simmer slowly for 2 to 3 minutes.

Place your pear in a dish, add a scoop of vanilla gelato and drizzle with the warm berry sauce -- DIVINE!

If you are trying to have less sugar, you could use less juice with the poaching and drizzle the pear with honey. I did this for one of my guests, and she said it was delicious!