Home Again

I am home. I am exhausted. I am loving being in my own space again. My sweet girl (Amelia) is sick. My sweet boy is begging for my attention. My baby is making a mess. Yep, things are back to normal.

I have so much going on in my mind right now. So many thoughts swirling. Blogher was a great event, I had a great time and learned a lot. I am working on a post in my head about all that I learned. I think more than learning anything about blogging, I learned a lot about myself. It's coming, promise.

I have at least one or two hundred business cards to go through, thoughts about swag (ugh), peole I want to contact, bills to pay, phone calls to return, the list goes on.

But for now, I am going to go and snuggle my sick girl, play with my baby and give that boy the attention he needs.

Have a great weekend friends, I'll see you on Monday.

What It's About.

I am sitting at a table with a few ladies I know in a room of strangers. We are all listening to several bloggers read selected posts. I have been laughing, and holding them in my heart. I am tired though and my feet ache and my baby is asleep on my chest. I am getting hungry and really I am ready to be done.

The Emcee introduces the last blogger to share with us. My heart skips a beat, I know I won't get through this one without tears. I know I will be crying when she is done. I am prepared for this.

Heather Spohr gets up and talks about the kindness of her internet family. All of those who have left comment after comment, sent food, gifts and prayers. All of those who have wrapped their real, and virtual, arms around she and her husband as they have had to do the unthinkable, live without their daughter.

Our stories are so similar. Beautiful girls with amazing blue eyes taken suddenly, oh so suddenly. Becoming pregnant shortly after the death of our daughters. Having broken hearts and subsequent sleepless nights. Learning to walk this broken path of grief now compounded with pregnancy hormones. Having to say that this is not your first pregnancy and getting the strange looks when they don't see a toddler hanging off of your side. The heart that has a big fat hole in it that can't be filled, but starts to be a little by this new person.

As she spoke, I was taken back 5 years 11 months and 1 day. That is how long Emma has been gone. I was taken back to the food, money, prayers, phone calls, emails, posts on my due date forum, all from women I only knew through print. Women that held me in their hearts.

The internet truly is an amazing thing. I have made some of my best friends here and have received some of the most tremendous support from you, my dear friends.

To some people, the internet is a strange place. Not everyone completely understands the power of the internet. When Emma died, I had women that I'd only met online rush to my side. When Heather's little Maddy died, the same happened for her. It happens over and over and over. We pray for those who are hurt, sick, suffering and in need of comfort. We stand by each other. We try to right the wrongs that happen. We support each other.

This is what it is about. As I sat there with tears in my eyes, my dear friend looked at me with tears in hers. She knew this would be hard and understood my tears. Everyone has a story, everyone has a heart ache, we just need to listen to find out what it is and how we can love and support.

This is why I love blogging and why I love each of you.

Here I Am!

ohmygosh! I have missed you my lovlies! I am here in Chicago sitting at the Walmart booth on the Expo floor at BlogHer. The lovely hotel we are staying in (that has VERY comfy beds by the way) wasn't ready for so many people wanting to use the internet at once, so I can't get any internet in my room. Heather and I have been sad and missing our contact with the outside world.

I am loving BlogHer. I have met so many wonderful people, made some great contacts and am learning lots on how to make this a better place for all of us.

Libby is the star of the show though. I can't take two steps without someone saying that she is beautiful, so good, so happy, etc. etc. etc. If only I had a nickle for everyone who has said that, then I'd have enough money to get me to BlogHer 2010 in NYC!

I will be back with pictures and stories when I can. Just know I am having a great time and loving every minute of it.

Before that, I must do This!

I have lists. Lots of lists. Things I want to do, things I am going to do, things I will never do. Lists, lists everywhere.

For our trip I made some mental lists. Things that I wanted to do with my family, things I want to do with my husband, things I want to do by myself (of course with the wee one attached at all times!).

Our family list is getting checked off daily.

• Drive to Meemaw and Grandpa's for an overnighter -- Check
• Go to Grandma and Grandpa's -- Check
• See Fireflies and eat S'mores -- Check
• Stay up late reading books with Grandma -- Check
• Yesterday we went to Worlds of Fun with the Grandparents and had a blast. Jeremy and I did the Rip Cord. Yes my friends, 180 feet in the air and I pulled the rip cord. It was AMAZING. Oh my gosh. I want to do it again and again and again.

• Today we went to Deanna Rose Farmstead. The kids got to feed goats, play on the playground, pet the cows, go in an old one room schoolhouse, ride a pony and fish. Other than a slight scare with a goat (my sweet niece is terrified of the goats!), we had a fantastic time. If you are in the Kansas City area, you must go here, it is FREE and fun!
• Go to Lawrence and see old friends -- Wednesday
• Go to on a date with my husband while we have a free babysitter -- hopefully tomorrow.
• Go to BlogHer thanks to the nice folks at Signing Time -- Thursday!!!
• Party, party, party -- all weekend!
• Learn lots on how to make my blog better for you, my dear readers -- all weekend!
• Sunday; come back to KC and play more with the family
• Go to my folks house (Meemaw and Grandpa) for a few days -- coming soon!

As you can see, there is much I have done and much I will keep doing. My lists never end. So I am trying really hard just to take it one day at a time and enjoy each day. If I don't, summer will be done and Seth in Kindergarten before I know it.

So, since time won't slow down, I think I will just have to.

Smooshies!

No, this isn't a picture of me after being in the car with my children for 20 hours. I kind of felt like this, but no. This is a picture of one of the many things that saved my sanity. This is a Smooshie. I can not tell you how much I love this toy. The great folks at One2One Network sent one for the kids to play with, I only wish they'd sent two!

Smooshies are sold exclusively at Joann Stores. You can buy a package that comes with a body, arms, legs, eyes, mouth and various other face parts for $9.99. For 1.99 more, you can buy individual parts.

Not only are they reasonably priced, but have won awards also! Not just any awards either, but they won the 2009 TOP Toy of the Year Award given by Creative Child Magazine and the Dr. Toy Best Vacation Children’s Products award.

I have pictures, lots of pictures, of my children fighting over, er I mean playing with, their Smooshie. However, they are at home and I am here. I promise you'll get pictures of my hooligans playing with their fantastic Smooshie. In the mean time, go buy your own Smooshie and let me know how much you love it also!

Home

I am not from Utah. I never will be. I live there, 3 of my 4 children were born there, one of them is buried there, but it is not where I am from.

I lived in Omaha, Nebraska until I was 11, Coffeyville, Kansas until I was 16 and Kaysville, UT until I graduated from high school. In the last 14 years since I graduated High School, I have lived in Kansas and Utah. I only claim one of those states as where I am from.

I am from Kansas. Sure, I didn't live there for very long as a child, but that is where I met my husband, where we had our first home together, our first child and so many memories.

Every time we come back I want to move here. I miss it. I miss the green, the humidity, the rolling hills, the open landscape, I just miss it.

Every time we are here my heart aches for this place. For good Kansas City BBQ, great radio stations, hanging out with my friends here and sister-in-law, and the slew of memories that I have here.

Every time we visit, my heart aches a little (ok a lot) for this place that I call home.

Shortly into this visit, I realized why I want to live here again so badly. It's not the BBQ, the familiararity of this place, it's not even friends and family. It is this simple. I want my life back. I know that Emma is gone. I know that she is not coming back. I know that no matter where I live, this will always be my life. I will always have one more child than you see. I will always have this hole in my heart. There will always be a part missing.

Despite knowing that, I just feel like my life would be complete if I lived here again. If I were in this place, this place where she was conceived, was born, lived and died. If I were here then maybe, just maybe she would somehow be here also.

While I know it's not true, that she is not here and won't be again, this will always be my home, it is where my heart is after all.

Totally Worth It.

Watching my children make s'mores in their Grandparent's backyard and see fireflies for the first time made the 20 hours it took to get here totally worth it.

Have a great weekend, I know I will.

16 1/2 hours later...

We arrived at my folks house. What a terribly long day. My kids were champs though. They really did amazing.

When we got here there were a few fits thrown, by Seth and myself and even my mild-mannered husband.

We eventually all crashed, well all but Libby. She had a late nap in the car, so she felt it would be much more fun to crawl around the bed on Mom and Dad. Yeah, that was fun.

Now it's time for breakfast, putting our bags in the car and driving 3 hours to Jer's folks. After 16 1/2 hours, 3 will seem like nothing!!!!

Here We GO! :: LIVE BLOG

2:11 pm

Crap. Amelia told us she had to pee and then said she could wait (we are in western Nebraska, i.e. nowhere Nebraska). Then she fell asleep. I pray she doesn't pee in her seat. I need to get some nice pee pads for the carseat. Do they make them? I really want to get one of these. Now, when I first saw these I thought they were kind of strange, but now, I totally see the use of them. I really want a Go-Girl for these trips.

Listening to "This American Life" with Jer, knitting, girls sleeping and Seth watching The Clone Wars (again).

12:37 pm

We're at Little America in Cheyenne, WY. They have a nice little playground, so the kids played and we ate. I tried to get them to eat, but after 7 hours in the car, all they wanted to do was run and play.

In the comments I was asked about having my baby in the front seat. She is not in the front seat. All of my kiddos have been buckled the entire time. I lean over her seat to nurse her. After road trips with 4 babies, I am really good at it now :)

Also, Lolli, I LOVE Country. Jer's just lucky I also like NPR ;)

We're going to stop for gas and be on our way. Hopefully we won't stop again until we are well into Nebraska.

10:00 am

We've been on the road for 6 hours now. This first 6 hours went pretty fast. If the next 9 hours go as quick, I will be one happy Mama!

Libby is asleep, the kids are watching CARS and we are somewhere in Wyoming. To answer a few questions – we are going to Nebraska today and staying the night with my folks. Tomorrow morning we will get up, have breakfast and drive 3 hours to Jer's folks in Kansas.

We are taking 1-80 straight to Omaha and plan on stopping in Sidney, NE for lunch. The kids are so excited for that because they know we're going to a park.

If I keep eating salt water taffy I will be too big to fit into any of my cute clothes at BlogHer!

Much to the chagrin of my darling husband, the only radio stations we can pick up in Wyoming are country and NPR. Good thing we can both agree on NPR.

My internet connection is through my cell phone, so it is dial-up -- something I haven't dealt with since we were newlyweds. So, I won't post again until we stop for lunch.

Thanks for all the well wishes...so far so good!!


7:50 am

We have been on the road since 4 am MST and we are well on our way. So far I have nursed Liberty 3 times, Amelia threw up once, Seth and Amelia have started watching Clone Wars, everyone has had a potty break and we stopped at Sonic for breakfast (oh Sonic, how I love you!).

We are in Rock Springs, WY and hope to make it to at least Cheyenne before we need to stop for gas again.

Let me tell you something I'm doing to (hopefully) make this trip easier. Seth and Amelia each have a backpack that they could pack with whatever toys they wanted. In addition to that, I filled a tub with coloring books, sketch books, crayons, books and BrainQuests and put it between their seats. They are set. Oh, and if that wasn't enough, we have oodles of movies and books on CD for them to watch/listen to.

Now if I could just get Liberty to be happy with me sitting up front....

Over the River and Through the Woods

To Grandmother's House we go....yep, we are embarking on a nice big road trip (15 hours, we hope, in one day) to my folks' house.

As a special treat for all of you, I will be LIVE BLOGGING our adventures. We have umteen movies, books, and songs for the children to listen to. I am packing 3 knitting projects and 3 books for me.

We leave at 4 am, so pray for us and stay tuned!

From the Archives :: Lighten Up!

***Originally Posted December 3, 2008

View of the sunrise from my front window.

I seriously have to lighten up -- not just my waistline. My children and I have been butting heads this week. I feel so much...crap inside my heart and I don't like it. I just get so frustrated and angry with them at the smallest things. I don't like it.

Today, I took them to visit some of their friends. Their friends Mom, Heather, is just such a breath of fresh air. She takes everything in stride and has a seemingly endless supply of patience. I planned to take them, drop them off, and come back after a couple hours to pick them up. My plan was to run away without them, maybe go to the store with just ONE child, or come home and finish off the rest of the peppermint cream cheese brownies. But, Heather and I got to talking and I stayed. I am so glad I did. She broke out the Wii (I've never seen one, much less played it) and we did Wii Fit. It was so much fun! The kids got in on the action also, not only cheering me on while I did some boxing, but also did their own running and penguin sliding. It was just so much fun.

She has decorations down that the kids can actually play with -- novel concept, I know. She didn't get upset when the kids played with the toy nativity, or took ornaments off the tree. She also didn't get upset when my children (sweet ones) wouldn't take no for an answer about not touching the nice nativity. She laughed and said, "I'm glad mine aren't the only kids that don't listen to Mom".

When I got home, my kids and I hit a wall. They would not listen. Not for anything. Drove me nuts. There were lots of tears (theirs), lots of yelling (mine) and broken hearts (both). I don't like this one bit. I don't like being this Mom.

Lucky for me, I can change it. The damage is done, but I can stop it right now. I'm always grateful to know that I can change things and make them better.

My main problem is that I am very selfish. I want to have my time to play on the computer and to read my books. However, do I want my children to remember a Mom that was sitting on her arse all day at the computer, or reading her books? Or, do I want my children to remember the Mom that got down on the floor and played with them, even though she was SICK of Star Wars, she did it anyway. I want them to remember a Mom that would read their books instead of her own. I want them to think that NOTHING is more important to me than them. Because really, nothing IS more important to me than them.

So, starting right now, I am changing. I will be a better Mom. I will lighten up. I will let them play with the Christmas decorations -- because really, while my cute centerpiece looks great on my table when it's all put together -- everything is plastic and can easily be replaced -- they can not.

You might remember me telling you all that I was going to start writing down everything funny my kids said. Well, I need to read them more often because when I do, I laugh. We all need to laugh more, so I am going to share a few of my favorites with you.

Seth: Mom! Why is there a fire in the sky?? (said yesterday morning when he saw the sunrise pictured above)

Seth: There was a grasshopper that the cats didn't get so I knew what to do
Dad: What?
Seth: I got my shovel and took the sharp part and cut off it's head.

Seth: Dad, your lawn mower is really loud. I wish it had a turn down thing.

Seth (upon seeing the line in the sky from an airplane): There's a crack in the sky! How can we fix it?

Seth: Dad, 4+1 is 5!
Dad: That's right!
Seth: After all, I am the smartest person in the world.

and lest you think only Seth says funny things...

Amelia: I am going to draw a boob!
Mom: You're going to draw a boob?!?
Amelia: Yes, a boob is for to suck on.

I love my kids. I'm going to go put up some Christmas decorations with them now. The kind they can play with and I am going to LIGHTEN UP! How about you?

Let Go and Let God

Last week I braved taking my 3 hooligans to a cabin in the woods with my family. It was a lot of fun. Seth and Amelia had so much fun playing with their cousin Ellie, and then their 4 big boy cousins came to play also! I didn't see much of those two as they were out playing in forts, searching for snakes and riding on 4 wheelers with Grandpa and Meemaw.

On Friday evening Seth asked if I would take him on a ride, how could I deny him this sweet request? So, I left Libby (sobbing) in the arms of my Mother and hopped on the 4 wheeler with my boy.

He was really excited because I let him control the gas and I just steered. He did really good. At one point I was controlling the gas and steering and we came to a sharp turn. I missed the turn and had to go through the grass to get back on the trail. When we came out of the grass and onto the gravel road I lost a bit of control and we almost ended up on our side in more grass. It scared me. Seth just said, "Awesome Mom!"

It got me thinking about how often I get scared by things that I shouldn't even worry about. How often do I try to control every situation rather than just letting go and letting God take control? Everything we do has the potential to be scary if we let it. But, if we just sit back and enjoy the ride and trust God like a child, think of how much more we would enjoy this life!

So, that is what I am doing now. I am trying to let go and let God have control and enjoy the ride.

***Disclaimer***
This doesn't mean that I will never yell at my children, talk badly of myself, lose my patience or be scared again...it just means I am trying.

Not in MY Neighborhood

Go on over to Rocky Mountain Moms Blog and see what has been going on in my little neck of the woods. Scary stuff friends.

Busy Busy

The rest of this month is going to be crazy busy for me. The kids and I are going to a cabin with my family for a few days then come home and get ready to go to Kansas to see family, Chicago for BLOGHER (I am SO EXCITED!!!) then home for a week and off on another little trip. Crazy busy I tell you.

I am going to have some oldie but goodie posts for you all to read, some of my favorites coming back.

There will also be new things as we embark on a road trip with the 3 kids, play with Grandma and Grandpa, see cousins and aunts and uncles and me meeting up with lots of my bloggy friends.

So stay tuned friends...big things happening...big things...

Swimming Lessons

My kids are fish. They come by it quite naturally if I do say so myself. I was a swimmer and a diver in High School and practically grew up in the water. I love watching my babes swim, they love it and so do I.



We just wrapped up swim lessons last week and they had so much fun. Amelia's teachers had to keep telling her to close her mouth, she just kept smiling the whole time!


Seth can now swim under the water. He can't go very far, we're working on that. They loved it and so did I.


I can't wait now until next year when this little one will get to get in rather than sitting on the sidelines watching her Bubs and Sis.

Fashion Sense

My darling daughter has such fantastic fashion sense. She knows what she wants to wear and won't let anyone tell her different. It doesn't matter if it is 95 degrees outside, if she wants to wear her snowboots with her sundress, so be it. And if it is a "little bit chilly" on July 3rd, then she most certainly can wear her fleece jacket.



I hope she always has the gumption to stick to her guns and to what she wants. I know it will take her far.

Ecostore USA :: Review and Giveaway!

**************************WINNER******************************

Congrats to Luvdaylilies comment #9, chosen by random.org!

Luvdaylilies said...

Wow!!!
If I won here's my idea of what I'd love to try:
Baby Soap,Baby Massage Oil and Laundry Liquid!
Thanks for hosting the giveaway & giving us all a chance at something so neat=)
Luvdaylilies at bellsouth dot net

July 2, 2009 8:45 PM

Send me your contact info and I will pass it along to EcoStore USA! Thanks for all the entries!

****************************************************************************************

Ok Friends, I have found some new products that I love and know you will too! EcoStore USA is an extension of a 20 year old company that makes plant and mineral based houseold cleaning, baby and personal care products that contain No Nasty Chemicals(tm).

Ecostore NZ was founded more than 15 years ago by Melanie and Malcolm Rands from their home in an eco village in New Zealand.

All of the families that lived in the farm based eco village shared a commitment to organic growing and healthy living, making this an ideal environment in which a young, environmentally conscious business could thrive. Each household in the village was responsible for their own waste water, which quickly highlighted the problems caused by using regular supermarket cleaning products that relied heavily on cheap, petroleum-based, synthetic ingredients.

Faced with the challenge of protecting the pristine rural waterways of the eco village, Malcolm Rands began to research and seek expert help from scientists to develop household cleaning products using plant-based ingredients that would biodegrade safely and quickly. Achieving his goal, he eliminated the need to use toxic chemicals, leaving the eco villages water pure. His goal was more than accomplished as the product line of this home-based business began to grow, and an exciting future began to unfold.

The original customer base of ecostore NZ was comprised of mostly ‘Greenies’ and organic gardeners. However, it was not long before testimonials from other parents (many of whom were unaware of the benefits of eco-friendly products) began to pour in with wonderful news of their children's allergies and eczema clearing up. Many noted that any respiratory issues were healing, and many lingering chronic conditions were disappearing.

We have kids, we want them to be healthy, we want the best for our families don't we? That is why I love these products.

I was sent 2 items to review. First was the Baby Body Wash.


I am pretty selective as to what I will clean my babies with. My kids have pretty sensitive skin, so I don't want to use anything with heavy perfumes or dyes. It has to be good for my babies sensitive skin. When I got the box, I immediately opened the baby body wash to smell it. It has a light citrus smell and is just so nice. I gave Libby a bath and the lather was so nice. It has no nasty chemicals, so I was not concerned about using it on her. Made with all natural ingredients, this is an item that has become a staple in my house.

Next up is the Citrus Spray Cleaner.


Ecomommas can go room to room with this product. Simple to use yet high performance, ecostore Lemon Spray Cleaner is the ideal alternative to conventional, toxic products. This citrus based solvent will work wonders on almost any household surface. Have black kitchen appliances? We've been told via many testimonials that it is just awesome. And, of course, if it’s an Ecostore product, it contains No nasty chemicals™. For your health, for your family and for the planet. (17 fluid ounces)
I love this cleaner. I use it everywhere and am not worried about the after effects of it. I use it on the kitchen counters, on the tile, on my hard wood floors, even on my carpet (gotta love potty training!). This is such a gentle, yet effective cleaner, I love it!!!!

You can get these great products and so many more on the EcoStoreUSA website, or in Meijer stores in the Midwest. These products are not only earth and people friendly, but are easy on your wallet also! Sometimes things that are good for us are just too expensive, well not this.

The great folks at EcoStoreUSA want to share the love with you too!!! They are giving away a $25 gift certificate to their site to one of my readers. You can get so much with $25!!!

To enter go over to EcoStoreUSA and check out their great products. Tell me which is your favorite or what you would get with the gift certificate.

For more entries you can do the following:
1. Subscribe to EcoStoreUSA's blog
2. Follow EcoStoreUSA on Twitter
3. Tweet about this contest
4. Blog about the contest
5. Subscribe to my feed
6. Follow my blog
7. Follow me on Twitter

Leave me a comment for each item to get extra entries.

Thank you EcoStoreUSA for letting me review your great products! I am hooked and will be a forever customer!

This contest will end on Monday, July 6 at 9 pm MST at which time I will choose a winner at random. So, hurry and enter!

Happy 4th!

We are off to celebrate the 4th of July with family. Hope you all have a fun and safe weekend!!!

Calling All Lurkers

I am going to be very honest with you today. I love comments. Love them. I love opening my email and seeing new comments on my blog. I try to respond to each comment, sometimes I can't because I don't have an email address for the commenter, but really I try.

I try to comment on blogs also. This is what makes a community. Sometimes I don't write things that are very interesting to anyone other than myself, I know that :) But, I try to write things that will make you laugh, smile or at least think. I am opening up a part of myself, my life, to you my readers.

So today I make a plea to you. Comment. I understand sometimes we're busy and don't have a chance to write down our feelings or thoughts. Sometimes I am nursing and I can't comment on blogs, but I try to go back and write something. I know how much it means as a writer to get that feedback, to know that maybe you've touched someone in some way.

Just like none of us can carry on a one sided conversation with our friends, I can't do it here either.

So please, comment. Let me know what you're thinking. Let me know if I've struck a chord with you, made you laugh or if you really don't agree with me. Let's chat, shall we?